Hesiod: Theogony - book review
A poem (more like a long-ass list) which describes the birth of the Greek gods, written in the “epic dialect” of Ancient Greek (I read the english translation). It’s one of the oldest books on Greek mythology. It’s so old it (probably) even precedes Homer.
To have an epic intro, I want to share a part from the story where Kronos (a.k.a. Cronus, father of Zeus) castrates his own father Ouranos (Sky). Fun stuff:
“…but his son from out his ambush grasped at him with his left hand, while in his right he took the huge sickle, long and jagged-toothed, and hastily mowed off the genitals of his father, and threw them backwards to be carried away behind him.” (180)
Dude wtf, why would you carry them away as a trophy? Gotta love that “dick ‘n’ balls mythology” eh… also, maybe take it easy next time? You don’t have to cut his balls you know, just punch him in the balls and it will suffice. Chill Kronos, goddamn.
And you know who lead him on? That’s right, his own mother Gaia! (Earth) I swear, Greek mythology is better than TV drama! Here’s what she told her sons: “Children of me and of a father madly violent, if you would obey me, we shall avenge the baneful injury of your father; for he was the first that devised acts of indignity.” (165) Damn woman, what did he do?
“First father Ouranos (Uranus / Sky) nursed anger in his heart against Briaeros, Kottos, and Gyges, and bound them in chains and then settled them under the earth of the wide paths, awed at their size, their shape, and their towering vigor. There they stayed and suffered great pains, sitting at the utmost limits of the boundless earth, their hearts stung by endless grief and mourning.” (620)
Oh okay, I get it now. I guess he had it coming (?).
You think this is all? Oh not at all! Ouranos’ cut genitals “slipped” from Kronos’ hand into the sea… and well…they led to things happening and other gods being born… yeah:
“Not for no purpose did they slip from his hand; for as many gory drops as jetted forth from there, Earth received them all; and when the years rolled round, she gave birth to stern Furies [Erinyes], and mighty Giants, gleaming in arms, with long spears in hand, and nymphs whom men call Ash-nymphs, [Meliai] over the boundless earth. But the genitals, as after first severing them with the steel, he had cast them into the heaving sea from the continent, so kept drifting long time up and down the deep, and all around kept rising a white foam from the immortal flesh; and in it a maiden was nourished; first she drew near divine Kythera, and thence came next to wave-washed Cyprus. Then forth stepped an awesome, beauteous goddess; and beneath her delicate feet the grass throve around: gods and men name her Aphrodite, the foam-sprung goddess, and fair-wreathed Kytherea—the first because she was nursed in foam, but Kytherea, because she touched at Kythera; and Cyprus-born, because she was born in wave-dashed Cyprus; and lover of smiles, because she emerged out of the genitals.” (185-200)
Besides the fact that we’re reading “The Big Bang of Ouranos’ genitals” and their “floating over the sea” and giving birth to Gods by the simple act of touching, we also have a lot of new names, and oh boy are there a lot of names in Theogony! These are just 5% of them. It’s basically an encyclopedia of the birth of Greek gods from… the floating genitals of Ouranos. Fascinating stuff I tell you. If you can remember all the names you are basically not human (there are about 370 of them, including the 12 main “Olympian gods” which most of you have probably heard of). You think Games of Thrones was bad with all those characters you barely remembered? Imagine that but multiplied by 100. Yes, not kidding.
But I just can’t get the last line out of my head, “and lover of smiles, because she emerged out of the genitals.”—like what even…I don’t. Ah, I give up. This is great. The most honest type of poetry. Aphrodite, the lover of smiles, emerged from genitals…
There’s way more to this ancient poem but honestly how do I top the story of traveling and life affirming genitals? I can’t, I have to stop here. God(s) bless you Hesiod, you beautiful nasty ancient fucker with an enyclopedic mind.
P.S. Ouranos (Sky), besides being Gaia’s (Earth) husband, was also her…son.
*long sigh*
Rating: 3/5